The chase is the moment after you feed your addiction to the next time it happens. I smoke the cancer sticks after I’m done with one. I am already thinking when I am going to have another. What is going on inside my head in between?
I think of pansies. No, not the flower kind, the people kind. The ones you see on TV or social media. Sometimes it makes me feel I’m not the crazy one. I just don’t understand how these people treat each other. They clinge to their ant social and hypersensitive nature. They cast blame on others and none on themselves.
I know where I am. In my racing head, I am the protagonist. A super hero of some sorts that becomes the powerful unifier that people will listen to. It is always the go to character I choose. I get so excited. The whole time the fantasy is taking place I am trying to break free, but can’t. I always remind myself that the thoughts have to play out in my head n order for the character to go away. When my thoughts organize the chase resets for another cigatte. The chase simple doesn’t stop when you get s9 hyped over things that you know deep down isn’t real.
What is so frustrating is the want of continuing that character. I realize I am the hypocrite. I look at other peoples imperfection, while elevating mine to perfection. The chase is a path one takes to get through the day when you face addictions like mine. We are looking at others and there imperfections to justify ours. We look at life being a daunting task . False hope is the real chase. Mental illness our traveling backpack.
. It is so satisfying and painful at the same time.
Chasing My Shadows 